Today I am going to get a little more personal and sharing my heart in hopes to help someone.
I was driving recently actually for the first time alone since I had my surgery. I invited Jesus to be with me. I was thinking about stuff and life & what transition in life I am now going through. This month I was forced by surgery into menopause. Yes possibly 10-15 years before my time. But it was necessary. With the Brca2(read more about it here) mutation that I have that also caused my mom's ovarian cancer that she died of at age 54 I truly needed to do it. I had thoughts of doubt while I was driving and the seat belt was hitting my tender wounds in my abdomen from surgery. I cried for what all I have lost. I was doubting did I do the right thing? I wanted more kids at times. I wanted to grow old gracefully on my time. I wanted to have my own estrogen & progesterone that a womens body needs for balance longer in so many areas. I do not want to now fight bone density and moods etc. I sat and thought of all the new problems I have to face by NOT having my hormones & the ovaries that make them. They had to come out so I wouldn't face the same fate as my mom. I felt over whelmed. Then I felt Adonai gently remind me to move forward. He reminded me NOT to look back. Like Lot's wife who turned back against God's instruction and turned to a pillar of salt. God showed me the importance of not looking back but moving forward in an instant! So I pondered this all week. All of the sudden I felt Abba giving me excitement about things to come and not to worry about what I lost. I still feel loss in me on so many levels but,,, he can sustain my health, my hormones & such I need not fear. You see my doctor did not want to give me hormone replacement like most women would be able to get but with my mutation any hormone replacement I get will increase my risk again for cancers. My doctor agreed to let me have a very low dose and I will take it every other day instead of daily. So I will be functioning on lower than low levels until age 45. By then they say I MUST be off if not sooner. So my faith in Adonai is all I will have to help me in this time to fill in the voids. I am feeling the effects of loosing parts of me God designed me to have earlier this month but I can say I can tell God is with me helping me! I have seen his hand gently guide me & ease my fears. I have felt him tenderly speak to me. He is helping me over come some physical struggles I have already had. Something else I have learned. I am brave! I feel brave. I have had to face what killed my mom in the face and hopefully change a time line ( it is not certain what I did will totally prevent cancer but it did help my situation in so many ways to bring the percentage down). I could of kept going and not do a thing but I want to do more things on this earth. You see that's another looking back that day I was pondering I thought of all the mistakes I made in life. I was feeling guilt for not measuring up and not obeying God when I should of. For not reaching out to others when he said to & so on. Etc. But there again when he spoke to me MOVE FORWARD, Do Not Look Back, it spoke to every thought of failure in me. It spoke to every woulda coulda shoulda I was thinking on many levels of my life. His one statement in my soul ministered to so much of me! He guided my thoughts to you want more children? Love the ones who need love and be there for all my kids and even the forgotten ones. So many possibilities to mother and still be a mom! (My kids are older now, they still need me of course but it's not the same as when they where young that was a struggle of mine sometimes). He showed me stop thinking of what you didn't do for me but do something NOW. And I felt him guide me to what will you do NOW for me? I think God's feelings get hurt when we dwell on our failures or losses & our past sin. He made a way through his son Jesus ( Yeshua) for us to be redeemed according to John 3:16. I accepted that way so why on earth should I dwell on what He has already forgiven? He wants my eyes on the here and now and be ready to do what he says. I must stay focused for what is to come!
So I must obey and not dwell on the past & all my losses. I must focus my eyes on Him and move forward only remembering the blessings not the lacks,sins & the failures! Every day is a new day and a chance to shine for Him and live for what he made me to be in every area of my life. I hope at the end of my journey he will say well done thy good and faithful servant. So here I go in this new season of my life ready to move forward.
Hi I am Suzie
Welcome to SuziesView. Join me on my journey of fun, faith, entrepreneurship, product reviews, travel & food! Ok so everything.
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